Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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