I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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