Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
