i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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