nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
