Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize