okay pat passed out under dana's car
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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