I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
