listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
