I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
