Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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