I'm so fucking centered right now
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Randomize
