New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
