I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Randomize