Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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