At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
