Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize