I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize