My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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