If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
