Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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