i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I need moral support for this bender
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
