Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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