I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
