There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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