I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
Randomize
