I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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