Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
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