You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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