there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
