I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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