Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize