an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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