i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
