Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize