I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
