are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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