david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Randomize
