The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Randomize
