I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
