First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
