final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
