turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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