my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Randomize
