is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
