Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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