I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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