The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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