but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
