So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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