I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Randomize
