How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
They took my balls.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
