im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Randomize
