i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
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