Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
