I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize