I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Randomize
