You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
