I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
You've had it in your mouth, how have you not seen it?
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