This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
