my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Randomize
