my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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